It doesn't make me any less of a woman to speak my voice. And it's not my fault if some are too weak to handle it, especially when they turn around and do horrid things to me. I am so fucking sick of the shitfest I have allowed to go on in my life. There are so many people I want to tell off. I have all this pent up anger clouding my head and I am not going to waste my time telling people off I have no interest in talking to.

FUCK sex offenders. Especially child molesters. I would gladly spend time in prison if it meant torturing any one of you sons of bitches. I was looking at the sex offender registry and guys who were convicted of crimes as little as TWO YEARS AGO are out free... LEVEL THREE SEX OFFENDERS. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY??? Why is it so fucking insignificant of a crime to ruin peoples lives??? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THERE ARE SO MANY GODDAMN SEX OFFENDERS, AND WHY SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ABUSED.... NOBODY TAKES IT SERIOUSLY!!!! They humiliate and re-violate the victims in a court room... call them liars, attention craved sluts. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO RE-VICTIMIZE THEMSELVES LIKE THAT ONLY TO NOT BE BELIEVED???? You would never see a robbery victim treated in such a manner. If a woman gets drunk she is asking for get fucked???? You wouldn't blame her if she was mugged.

I would love to get a straight man that thinks like this TRASHED in a gay bar. Then he would get ass raped once he passes out. The next day I would sit there and tell him that he asked for it, so he could see how asinine such an accusation is. Its fucking absurd to assume a woman wants sex by the way she dresses, acts, or by her state of consciousness. Let's look at it this way.... you are legally allowed to drive a car before you are legally allowed to have sex. But people think if you aren't in a state to be able to legally drive a car you would still be legally able to consent to sex???? Fucking listen to yourselves. Having sex with a drunk girl is RAPE. Having sex with anyone mentally incapacitated from any substance is RAPE.

The worst part of it was spending my time crying on the shoulder of someone who was anything but a man. A man would have stopped being a little bitch, put his emotions aside and supported me. Instead I got a whiny little bitch who sat there blaming me for what happened because he was personally hurt by it. And he could sit there digging my grave for me as I went on a short path to self mutilation, and not feel one ounce of remorse. I take it back, that wasn't a bitch, it wasn't even human. Somehow I had the strength (or lack of a backbone maybe) to forgive something that HORRIBLE done to me, yet he kept blaming me for something that TORE MY LIFE UP. My ultimate FUCK YOU is to the ultimate betrayal of my life. I'm sick of hearing you say you don't want bad blood, because there is nothing but bad blood between us. You are on the same page of disgusting filth as the sex offenders that violated me, because you verbally and emotionally violated me to no end, and want to sit there and use fucking petty excuses to explain a HORRID THING. I never got an apology until each time I brought up that I never got one. I never wanted your lame ass apologies or lies, the least you could have done was owned up to be the biggest pussy on the planet who couldn't handle damaged goods. You never had to drag me down with you.

I was even retarded enough to try being your friend but you had to fuck it up out of fear I was actually going to find what makes me happy in someone else. FUCK YOU for being the biggest deception and waste of flesh in my life. If you fucking die tomorrow I wouldn't feel any different than I do today because you killed off the person who had WORTH in that empty soulless body a long time ago. I've actually been mourning the past YEAR for the good person you killed off within yourself.

I don't even want to hear your excuses because if it has anything to do with thinking I lied to you a few years back, you should realize with all the lies you feed everyone you talk to that you're just looking for a pathetic excuse to nullify the guilt you SHOULD be feeling for turning into such a terrible person. And you know as well as I do that the past isn't worth dwelling over. Apparently you have some false belief that anything you say still matters at this point - IT DOESN'T. I don't want to hear your fucking sob story of excuses on how hurt you were. I fucking dealt with all sorts of hurt at your expense, and I learned to get over it. You'll always have an excuse for everything because you not once will take responsibility for yourself. You're still talking to high schoolers because you either have to hang out with idiots your own age or young people too naive to see how repulsive you are. I used to see a good person in you, now all I see is a pathetic pile of excuses and denial. Well we only live once, have fun fucking up your life and betraying everyone who ever gave a shit about you. My family fucking loved you, fed you and took care of you on a weekly basis, for years. I tried to be a better person for you, but you were too angsty and self-centered to give me a chance to show you improvement. I gave you so many chances in the past. Burn in hell, you ungrateful bastard.

On a side note, maybe it makes more sense than I thought. Every time you tell me I deserved to get raped, and that I was asking for it, you are defending the person who raped me. I sat here wondering why a person would ever defend a sex offender who hurt someone they were close to. There's only one thing I can think of. You felt threatened by it. You're threatened knowing I spoke up about someone who violated me, because you have violated many young underage girls. Statutory rape is rape too, you know that. And fortunately for minors, that is the most "believable" rape in court systems, because whether it was consented or not, it's still WRONG. Don't worry about your excuse-fest. I now see a rapist was just watching the back of another rapist. What a disgusting thought. Can I get close to anyone in my life who isn't a sex offender??? They spread worse than fucking herpes. I'm making it my life goal to find a cure for it.

Calling me disgusting for a rumor you heard about me is only to justify your own filth. You fucking have the nerve to rub my nose in asking to get raped, then further VIOLATE me by trying to post some threat about my "secrets" in your livejournal. I don't know what fucking voo doo spell you put on me that had me so retarded to believe you were a good person, but thank heavens I broke out of it. Seriously, just fucking die already, you waste of human genetics. I hope to god you never reproduce, because you'll probably be raping your daughters teenage friends someday too, if you're not in jail already.

And in case you don't think you've done enough damage to me already, let me make this clear. I don't ever want to be your friend. I don't ever want to hear your pity party of excuses. I don't want your insincere apologies. If you ever approach me, I have so much pent up anger and disgust that you will find yourself on a stretcher on the way to the hospital. If any of your friends so much as look at me wrong, I'm going straight to you. If any more of your slampigs "bump into" me, or harass me again, I will beat the fuck out of them and then proceed to mash you into a pulp. This is an ongoing threat. You have made me your permanent enemy. There is no forgiveness for the bullshit you have put me through. You better hope your friends understand, if anyone starts trouble with me, you will be the one to pay for it. You have no idea what this anger is capable of. If you were smart, you'd know better than to even talk about me to your friends. Because if you get any of them angry enough to say a thing to me YOU will deeply regret it. I'm happy knowing you don't exist, and if you remind me otherwise I'll make sure it never happens again.

I used to be terrified to leave someone I cared about on bad terms... I was afraid if something ever happened to them or I, that if I was left living it would be really hard on me. Basically, a fear of someone dying before I ever made something right with them. This is an intense fear that carried on with me through my life.

It all stemmed from the time when I was 12 and my friend stayed up at my house all night angry at her grandfather. She told me she hated him, and wouldn't care if he died.... only to be woken up the next morning by her parents calling because he passed away over night. I realized I never wanted to live with guilt like that. I always tried to fix my problems A.S.A.P. and leave no negative feelings behind.

Some may think this is a good mentality I have learned, and it certainly could be. But I failed to realize how self destructive it could be, as well. Always trying to save something that didn't want to be saved. Trying to be civil with someone who has tried to mash you into the dirt is crazy business. So I guess the moral of the story is, don't torture yourself worrying about a person dying who killed themselves a long time ago. No use in playing the saint for the undeserving. I tried my hardest, it's not my fault things turned out the way they did. I made many sacrifices for nothing, but it's okay. The burden is truly off my shoulders now, because it wasn't for a lack of trying on my part. I'm much happier, around people who reciprocate good feelings/actions/etc.






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Now playing: Glassjaw - The Number No Good Things Could Come Of
http://foxytunes.com/artist/glassjaw/track/the+number+no+good+things+could+come+of

In the past two weeks, I have felt something/someone touch my ring finger four times. like a ticklish rubbing feeling. All at random times. I look and nothing is there. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN??? haha is there a ghost rubbing my fingers?!?
OMG, as I was typing this I felt it again. So that makes five. Someone invisible is touching me.....


Holy fuck, I sound insane hahaha.








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Now playing: Lovedrug - Starlet
http://foxytunes.com/artist/lovedrug/track/starlet

Your facade will someday fall, and crush you in the process.

If you have to brag you're powerful, wealthy, invincible, etc. you are pathetically trying too hard to convince people who don't care in the first place.

Those who cannot look at their own problems to fix them will never improve themselves. They will live life in circles and play the masochist/martyr who doesn't understand why life has been so "unfair." All the while oblivious to being the cause of their own pains.

I am no longer excusing any behavior of mine on the psychos from my past. They are dead history. They have no control over my life. If you don't like who I am, sorry it's just me. I like my space.








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Now playing: Cara Beth Satalino - Lullaby
http://foxytunes.com/artist/cara+beth+satalino/track/lullaby

i can never really sleep at night. i should work on that. my mind just doesn't shut off. i have this paper coming up for one of my classes and it has me thinking about everything all the time.
one of those self dissecting papers.
and i'm ready to write it, i just dont know where to start.

a song came on randomly on my itunes a while ago, and the band was talking about how much they hate music critics. i listened to it and applied it to music elitists... there really isnt that much of a difference. or any elitists. anyone who thinks their shit doesnt stink. i realized why i have such disgust for these people who think their music/tastes are better than anyone elses. and i could better pinpoint this disgust when i heard about some judgmental assholes who said shit to someone i care about earlier.

okay, this is the best analogy i can think of. this is why i am so disgusted in close minded people....

if you applied music elitism to food...

"my favorite food is mexican. so, i am going to eat nothing but mexican food for the rest of my life. and dont you dare order italian food when we go out to eat; it offends my very existence. although i personally don't have to eat the lasagna on your plate, i'm going to hate you for eating it. i hate that i even have to smell it. you should know that there is nothing better than mexican cuisine. i am also going to dress mexican so everyone knows what food i stand for. if i see you representing a different culture, and their food, i am going to openly make fun of you for having such inferior tastes."

(read - i feel comforted and acceptance amongst my herd, and your individuality threatens my comfort zone. i am insecure and have a deep rooted need to fit in, so i cannot be accepting of our differences. i am so weak minded and insecure i need to choose one "clique" to blend in, because at least i know there's always someone who will accept me. at least this way i know i can even get laid at the end of the night. because being myself, that's just too risky. i am willing to slaughter my only chance of being a strong individual in this one life i have by killing my real needs. what is more important is to appeal to the masses. fuck my real needs, i will be accepted amongst a shallow community. my "real friends" accept me because i am like them, and if i wasn't, i would be cast out. i can't like you for being different from me, because then my hollow meaningless relationships with people would fail, and i define myself through other people, not by my own view of myself.)

im a pretty compassionate person, but weakness disgusts me. it offends me. because it's always the weak people who try and bring everyone else down. the weak people are the judgmental ones, the insecure. their rude comments are an attempt to bring others down to their level of weak mindedness, but they don't realize the only ones who would bend to such absurdity are the other weak. the strong have known to live and let live, but there will always be the sad, weak masses who envy the strong for actually accomplishing something in their lives. they have better things to be concerned with than the life choices of others.

rant done. i just forget sometimes how many closed minded people are on this planet, and how they really try to threaten the personal freedom of others.

Your Existing Situation

Conflict and dissatisfaction of one sort or another enforce the need for the compensations indicated by the + group.


Your Stress Sources

Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates her and inhibits her readiness to give herself freely. While she wants to surrender and let herself go, she regards this as a weakness which must be resisted. This self-restraint, she feels, will lift her above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Feels cut off and unhappy because of the difficulty in achieving the essential degree of cooperation and harmony which she desires.

The situation is preventing her from establishing herself, but she feels she must make the best of things as they are.

Wants to broaden her fields of activity and insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic. Distressed by the fear that she may be prevented from doing what she wants; needs both peaceful conditions and quiet reassurance to restore her confidence.


Your Desired Objective

Fascinated by the idea of an idealized association of tenderness and mutual enchantment. Embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly, and so employs cautious exploratory tactics in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that she is neither irrevocably committed nor found out.


Your Actual Problem

The unsatisfied desire to be respected, to stand out from amongst her friends, is causing some anxiety. As a result, normal gregariousness is suppressed and she refuses to allow herself to become involved, or to participate with others in their ordinary activities.






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Now playing: The Strokes - 01 - You Only Live Once
http://foxytunes.com/artist/the+strokes/track/01+-+you+only+live+once

they're nice.















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Now playing: Stars - Life Effect
http://foxytunes.com/artist/stars/track/life+effect

1. Go to www.photobucket.com (don't sign in).
2. Type your answer to the question in the "search" box.
3. Copy the html and paste for the answer.


1: What is your name?




2: What is your relationship status?



3: What is your favorite color?





4: Who is one of your favorite movie actors?






5: What band/artist are you listening to?






6: What is your favorite movie?






7: Who is your favorite Disney Princess?







8: What is your favorite animal?






9: Where is your dream vacation?








10: What do you want to be when you grow up?










11: What do you want most in life?








12: Where do you work?








13: What kind of car do you drive?










14: What is your favorite food?










15: What is the name of the last person you kissed?


haha i am so dead






16: Favorite Cereal?











17: What is your biggest fear?










18: What is your biggest weakness?

just kidding. i have class at 10am, which means i gotta be up at 8am, eeek.
i absolutely love vito. he keeps standing on his hindlegs and staring at me cause he wants me to go to bed with him. so i start talking to him all mushy and stuff and he keeps rotating his head left and right. i can't even stand how cute he is.

this is a pretty cool personality test i took. i got the concerned creator, you can click on the link to read about it or take it yourself.







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Now playing: Alien Ant Farm - Glow
http://foxytunes.com/artist/alien+ant+farm/track/glow

so i have had a few reoccurring dreams in the past week..... one of them has been about ice cream. so i looked it up to see if it symbolized anything..... haha

Ice Cream

To see or eat ice cream in your dream, denotes pleasure and satisfaction with your life. It is also an indicative of good luck and success in love.